How to Train Your Nazgul
by Lily Lindsey-Aubery
Summary: Frodo needs to make his mark. How can he prove to Gandalf that he is more than he seems?


**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Lord of the Rings or How to Train Your Dragon, or any of these characters, etc.

This story is written in the form of a screenplay. It is essentially the screenplay of the How to Train Your Dragon film mixed with the story of The Lord of the Rings. . .I made a few tweaks, of course, so that they could work together. Don't expect it to be too similar to either one.

This is also funnier if you know the How to Train Your Dragon movie really well. :)

**Fade In:**

**Ext. Volcanic Mountain/Tall Dark Tower - Night**

We skim over tall, forbidding mountains. The camera turns towards a volcanic mountain, Mount Doom. It is a gigantic volcano jutting out of the sombre landscape.

**Frodo (V. O.)**

This, is Mordor. It's twelve days North of hopeless, and a few days South of freezing to death. It's located solidly on the meridian of misery.

(The camera drifts over to rolling green hills to reveal a small village with houses built into the ground.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

My village. In a word, comfy. And it's been here for fourteen-hundred years, but every single home is as good as new.

(The camera drifts closer, circling.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

We have fishing, hunting, and a charming view of the sunsets. The only problems are the pests. You see, most places have mice, or mosquitoes. We have…

(Sheep graze peacefully on a hillside. Suddenly they all turn and run.)

**Cut To:**

**Int. Bilbo's House - Continuous **

A door is pulled open… as an ORC runs directly towards it, YELLING. The door is SLAMMED by FRODO, a gangly teenage Hobbit.

**Frodo**

… Orcs!

**Ext. Bilbo's House **

He reopens the door and leaps down the front steps. He weaves through the busy Hobbits on the streets.

More orcs swarm in, screaming and frightening the townspeople.

**Frodo (V. O.) **

Most people would leave. Not us. We're Bagginses. We have stubbornness issues.

(Hobbit folk run around the streets screaming.

ON FRODO running and dodging people.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

My name's Frodo. Great name, I know. But it's not the worst. Parents believe a hideous name will frighten off gnomes and trolls. Like our charming Hobbit demeanor wouldn't do that.

(Ringwraiths gallop back and forth, dodging the frightened Hobbits.)

(Enter GANDALF, the Grey Wizard. He yanks Frodo from the path of an attacking orc and holds him aloft.)

**Gandalf**

Frodo?!

(Accusingly to Bilbo)

What is he doing out again?

(To Frodo)

What are you doing out?! Get inside.

(His staff lights up his scowling face and grey beard. He sets Frodo down and turns to the sky, searching.)

**Frodo (V. O.)**

**(In Awe)**

That's Gandalf the Grey. The grey wizard. They say that when he was a baby he popped an orc's head clean off it's shoulders. Do I believe it?

(Gandalf hits an orc forcibly with his staff.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

Yes I do.

(Frodo ducks into a large tent.)

**Int. Tent - Continuous**

(He sits down at a table, near which two young Hobbits, PIPPIN and MERRY, are playing with firecrackers.)

**Pippin**

Ah! Nice of you to join the party!

**Merry**

I'd thought you'd been carried off.

**Frodo**

Who, me? Nah, I'm way too muscular for their taste. They wouldn't know what to do with all this.

(Frodo strikes a bodybuilder pose.)

**Pippin**

They need toothpicks, don't they?

(Frodo puts down his mug and starts dancing with ROSY COTTON.)

**Frodo (V. O.) **

Those two meatheads with attitudes are Pippin Took and Merry Brandybuck. I've been their friend ever since I was little… Well… littler.

**Ext. Village - Continuous**

(An orc lights a fire on one of the houses. In response four people run forward with buckets to put it out.)

**Frodo (V. O.)**

Oh, and that's Aragorn, Boromir, the Elf Legolas, and Gimli.

(More flames leap up behind them, and they walk forward looking awsome and heroic.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

Their job is so much cooler.

(Frodo tries to join them as they walk past, but is grabbed by Gandalf and hoisted back inside the tent.)

**Frodo**

Ah, come on. Let me out, please. I need to make my mark.

**Gandalf**

Oh, you've made plenty of marks; all in the wrong places.

**Frodo**

Please, two minutes. I'll kill an orc. My life will get infinitely better; I might even get a date.

**Gandalf**

You can't swing a sword, you can't lift an axe; you can't even shoot one of these!

(Gandalf holds up an arrow.)

**Frodo**

Ok, fine, but…

(He picks up a crossbow)

This will shoot it for me.

(He accidentally pulls the trigger and shoots an arrow, narrowly missing Gandalf and taking out a Hobbit outside the tent.)

**Gandalf**

See, now this right here is what I'm talking about.

**Frodo**

Mild calibration issue.

**Gandalf**

Frodo. If you ever want to get out there to fight orcs, you need to stop all… this.

(He gestures vaguely in Frodo's direction.)

**Frodo**

**(Annoyed)**

But you just pointed to all of me.

**Gandalf**

Yes! That's it. Stop being all of you.

**Frodo**

**(Threatening)**

Oooohhhh…

**Gandalf**

**(Mimicking)**

Oooohhh yes…

**Frodo**

You, sir, are playing a dangerous game. Keeping this much raw… Hobbitness contained. There will be consequences!

**Gandalf**

I'll take my chances. Dishes. Wash. Now.

(Frodo takes the dishes and starts wiping them down, fantasizing… )

**Frodo (V. O.) **

One day I'll get out there. Because killing an orc is everything around here.

**Ext. Dusty Plain - Night**

Orcs run along the plain, brandishing swords.

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

A snaga is sure to get me at least noticed. Uruks are tough; taking down one of those would definitely get me a girlfriend. An Uruk-Hai? Exotic, exciting. Longer name, twice the status. And then there's the cave trolls. Only the best warriors go after those. They have this nasty habit of bashing everything up with mallets.

(Frodo looks out the tent flaps.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

But the ultimate prize is the one no one has ever seen. We call it the…

**Aragorn**

Nazgul! Get down.

(Hobbits everywhere duck for cover. A sharp screeching sound is heard. A large black flying shadow zips through the air, knocking down buildings with the sound of it's voice.)

**Frodo (V. O.)**

This thing never steals food, never shows itself, and…

(The screeching dies away, and the buildings lay in ruin.)

**Frodo (V. O.) (Cont.)**

…Never misses.

No one has ever killed a Nazgul. That's why I'm gonna be the first.

**Gandalf**

Man the fort, Frodo, they need me out there!

(Gandalf pauses. He turns with a threatening glare.)

**Gandalf (Cont.)**

Stay. Put. There. You know what I mean.

(Gandalf charges out the tent, hollering. Frodo smirks.)


End file.
